It's been a while...Biding Time

I'm all about "what's next". It started around my 4th Birthday, I was starting to get a grasp of past/present/future concepts and I realized, the future is AWESOME! The future is full of possibilities! I don't mind growing up (yes, I am not growing older- I am just growing up!), I like it. Yup that 4th Birthday - I have a good memory- I started dreaming about my 5th. And then my 6th...7th...It went on for... Oh, well over 20 years and counting.

I like making plans. Sure, pretty much my entire life has been disappointing at points, my adolescence was full of disappointments. The magic of childhood died, the warm fuzzy moments harder to find.But to the future I looked- the future will be better, the future can be ANYTHING. Some times I dream kind of TOO big. It has been a process of having BIG dreams but learning to take reasonable launching points in the process of getting there.

Unrelated picture of my sweet children.

And I do like baby steps. No really, I will write these To Do checklists most days and I will write down things like "brush teeth" or "change baby's diaper" - I have to do it, I might already have finished doing it (for that time), but I get a little thrill of checking things off.


This summer has been full of pages and pages of check lists. We are preparing to move, and remodelling the house we are moving into- and it is just severely awful the amount that has needed doing. But I have been having so much fun doing it!

But while I'm digging through all the painting, de-wall papering, re-tiling, replacing, painting, putting furniture together, laying laminate flooring, painting (I have painted A LOT), and caring for 3 small children day in and day out. The though keeps coming to my mind "Oh I wish I could do __________"

I wish I had time to devote to music. It would be so fun.
I wish I could devote that time and grow in skill so I could start teaching- that would be so fun!
I wish I could get really into fiber/yarn/knit work so that I was so amazing I could design my own patterns and make amazing creations (I may or may not have been browsing a pattern book). That would be so fun!
I wish I could take some courses and become a postpartum doula.
 I wish the hubby and I could go do that together...I wish we could finish a sentence with out 3 interuptions. I wish we got more sleep..Wait getting off subject here.

Some times being future oriented sucks. There are so many things I'd love to do. But here I sit snuggling and chasing and feeding (over and over and over again).

 I don't really have time for any thing but the day to day. I am almost done with the renovations and then we will be moving (well once the contractors do their thing). But then we will start home schooling (Roo girl starts 1st grade with Heart of Dakota and Friendly will be doing their preschool/kindy curriculum).

I have devoted the last 5.5 years (and counting) to mothering, nursing (which - at least with my babies has felt like quite a job), and trying to just focus on my family and this season of life. And this summer with all of the projects and busyness - well that hasn't changed any thing. It's made me realize even more strongly that this season is for my kids. I have been trying to figure out where the balance is though. Now that my youngest is getting past the baby "must have mama all the time" stage I have a bit more freedom. There are so many things on my "to do lists" and I have been trying to weed through what I can try to nibble away at while staying present.

How do I keep my priorities on my family...While still chipping away at things that interest me?

Just some things rolling around in my head the past few weeks.

How do I balance...And how in the world will there ever be enough hours in the day?

Oh painting...another fun thing I'd like to do more!

Opening the tool box- I lost my toes!

It has been an insane few months. I have had so little time (actually, I still don't have time! The PIp is still going strong and climbing Mt. Mama with great glee). I'm going on several terrible nights of sleep, and four hours of broken ugliness in the last 24 hours.

Add to it stresses of being a grown up, bills, car troubles, and a 3 year old (enough said)... Oh and then add to that health issues rearing their ugly head. Some of these were snowballed in thanks to sleep deprivation and stress. But also from a gluten exposure I just couldn't figure out. Gluten makes me ragey and anxious. Gluten makes my gut scream. Gluten makes me oh so sick. It also makes break out in itchy little blisters called dermatitis herpetiformis. Gluten sucks.

This is a rough time. 

I have felt so very stuck. Actually I've felt kind of buried in small children screaming in my ears. My stern expectations saying I need to do more. Children's behavior screaming I need to do more. Feeling pretty much like a burnt out grump of a Mama.

It's doggy paddle time, and no and if or buts about it. That humbling time where you truly realize that

Eyes to See...You have ARRIVED!

Whenever I write a blog post I feel like I need to write some sort of "I hope I don't sound presumptuous- I'm 5 years in to this gig...This is coming from a heart that is learning...I don't claim to have any special..hmmm...Well, any thing. I write to process...And I've come up for air, so hang on!! Also, my spell check is UK English, so if some thing is spelled wrong- ha!"


It's been a very busy and full few months. We haven't gone anywhere much, or done any thing special. And yet it's felt so very busy. Most of that has been inside my head. I'm an internal processor and when I'm learning a lot, or feeling stretched, I climb inside my brain and baten down the hatch.

Which makes me think of a submarine or a bomb shelter...Let's stick with submarine. Some times I feel like I am going through life as a

Struggles...Are my Ally.

This month has been rough. About two weeks ago Hubby and Friendly both came down with the flu. Thankfully, Friendly's case wasn't too bad. She had a high fever (103+) for 3 days and a cough, was miserable but kept comfortable with Motrin. Hubby on the other hand was laid flat; high fever, horrible cough, and knocked out hard core for several days.
 Which left me solo parenting, dealing with a sleepless and teething baby, and praying I wouldn't get the flu too.

I didn't get it (wohoo!) But I came down with some thing else this weekend (sinus infection? virus? I'm still trying to decide). I am not nearly as miserable, but enough to be laid up on yesterday for the Pip Squeaks first Birthday.

Being sick, has also given me time to think- a luxury I haven't had in weeks.

What was I thinking about?

BALANCE

 Mostly how unfair it feels to me. Finding balance is such a struggle!
Sleep deprivation is super hard on any body...But especially mine...I try to brush it off...Soldier on, but it sucks. Add to it long standing autoimmune issues, anxiety and SAD and it has been an uphill battle for me this past month.

I read some thing a friend shared the other day that really impacted me.