I wanted to start this with a disclaimer: INTRODUCTION...
I struggled with a lot of fears in all my pregnancies..Let me rephrase that, I wasn't afraid of any thing in my first pregnancy. Honestly, I was so excited to give birth! I had been raised in a home where child birth was an exciting and normal thing. My Mom had five relatively normal births- I mean some of her hospital experiences were kind of crazy. Also, I was born at home. Going into motherhood, I knew I was capable of natural birth, and nothing else was really an option. A cesarean birth was never something I thought I would ever experience. I was unprepared for the machine that is most large teaching hospitals. For the interventions, for the horrible feeling of being completely at the mercy of that machine. I went through every intervention in the book in my *twelve* hours at the hospital. I ended up with a cesarean.
Blind sided.
With that cut across my abdomen, a whole new world of fears was opened to me. Fears I ignored and wrestled through with my first VBAC baby. And finally truly faced this pregnancy. I finally found healing. Is there more to do? Always.
I mention cesarean birth in negative terms, because my experience was very negative. I also mention baby loss, and death, things that I experienced or I saw become reality for others. I also share the steps I took to find my own personal place of comfort if I were to experience it too. The book Birthing From Within talks a lot about worry and fear. And what a GOOD thing it is, if you use it.
This pregnancy was my journey of learning to use it, explore it, and really walk out all scenarios. It was my discovery of where I needed to be to find peace in whatever - even the unthinkable. It was really hard, but I explored it...and found healing.
I went from a woman who had lost all trust in the medical establishment.. Some one who (honestly, sadly) would choose a dangerous or unhealthy situation over repeat surgery (not that my first HBAC was that scenario- but had things not gone smoothly, I wonder...) I moved to a place where I could fully embrace the thought of another cesarean birth. I went from never ever, under any circumstances, being okay with a hospital birth again...To planning one, and being 300% ok with whatever that would bring me.
This pregnancy brought me so many gifts. It was a lot of work. I took a lot of time alone and a lot of space. This was my journey, and very personal experience and fears. And its conclusion is part of my story. Each baby brings something unique to a mothers journey, a gift in its own right.
My first baby gave me my voice.
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| RJ and Pip (1mos old) |
She taught me to hear my true feelings. My experience with her taught me that happiness isn't the only emotion, and to speak my mind. She still teaches me every day.
My second baby taught me some times you just have to do some thing scared, and embrace grace and hope for a better season.
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| Amity and Mama 18 hours old... |
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| Amity and Mama I was 36 weeks along.. |
In a nut shell: After 27 days of insanity making prodromal labor: Piper Joy was born. January 26, 2012 at 5:55pm 7lbs 6oz and 20inches long.
The Long Version: Part One: Our baby leaves us...Then Piper comes too.
To tell this story we need to go back to February 2011.
