It's been a very busy and full few months. We haven't gone anywhere much, or done any thing special. And yet it's felt so very busy. Most of that has been inside my head. I'm an internal processor and when I'm learning a lot, or feeling stretched, I climb inside my brain and baten down the hatch.
Which makes me think of a submarine or a bomb shelter...Let's stick with submarine. Some times I feel like I am going through life as a
submarine ..captain? conductor? Anyway I'm looking through that spout glass thing (you know, the one that pokes out of the water in cartoons) and I'm kind of functioning, peering through that little thing, getting through life while calling directions to the rest of my brain.
I can be a bit spacey in those times...Not detached just- not uber chatty. Quiet. In my head. A bit snarky if you push me or try to climb in with me. Cranky, that too!
So I haven't had a lot to talk about.
One thing I have been processing is life.
Okay, really I've been thinking about how before you become a parent you have a list (long or short, you have it!) of
THE THINGS YOU WILL NEVER DO as a parent.
You also have a list of THE THINGS YOUR KIDS WILL NEVER DO because you parent them.
You finally are holding your sweet bundle in your arms and life moves on...One by one things get crossed off on your list...Humble pie is yours to own. You swallow it down bite by bite brushing the crumbs under the rug and keep plugging along.
|this looks pretty humble...|
It's okay, it happens to all of us. Some of the pie gets smeared on your vest- consider it part of your badge of parenting...at least it isn't blood (or maybe it is...)
Okay, we don't really get badges- but if we did ...mine would be covered in pie.
I digress, so the humble pie has been eaten- it's not so bad. You have arrived!
And then - and maybe not every one hits this point? Maybe it's just me? Maybe it is having three kids in four years, and having not slept well in about six years, I don't know. But it's like, you're so freaking in over your head. You know? And suddenly, you're sounding a lot like your Mom. Now disclaimer, I really do have an awesome Mom- she's a shockingly strong woman. I like to think I take after her. So in my case, it could be way worse...I'm thankful.
And it's not that I so much mind sounding like her. But it's more like, crap: you GET it. Those unpleasant moments (that as a kid) you swore you'd never repeat. You're standing on the other side and :facepalm: because you just exchanged that SAME look with your kid.
It's that moment of clarity that says, "crap". That's all.
Wonder Mommy has left the building!
I am making my own mistakes. The list has long flown out the window. Some where around 12mos with my oldest I actually think I ripped it up on purpose...Just to get it over with- she wasn't an easy baby.
I have been reflecting a lot on all that. I have such an appreciation for what my Mom did for all of us (she had 5 kids in 7 years? 9 years? Let's say 8, I don't have time, don't make me do math). The years of endless sacrifice, her steadfast and servants heart.
I won't relive some of the unpleasant times I remember...I will not judge her. I'm a really-o-truly Mom myself, I *so* get it now. I know my kids will remember seeing me on my worst days too. That's what family and love are all about.
And that is what has been rolling around in my dark quiet brain. I get wanting to crawl out of my skin if some one says "Mommy" one more freaking time (seriously- ever seen that Family Guy clip with Stewie? It's not just funny, it's ACCURATE [well except, it is like 7 'Mama's' for every 1 of his- hyperspeed talking I tell ya!]. The real kicker is, that you've responded EVERY SINGLE TIME and they can't hear you.).
I've also seen the look of shock and hurt on my preschoolers faces when I've screamed "I don't want to hear 'Mommy one more freaking time!!!!'"
I get being in that place where I'm so done, that - at the moment- I don't even care that I've hurt her feelings (sad face). Not a pretty place to be...And definitely not a constant place- Don't worry - these are just my ugliest moments I'm sharing. I am not out of control depressed or some thing. Some self care, a cup of tea, some sobbing in the laundry room, some knitting project...Some time out of the house alone (not all of that together- just one or two of those things! ;0) I'm good to go and can make apologize for my lack of kindness and make amends (like, in a real heart-to-heart sort of "remember earlier.. this is what I will do better, instead" kind of way...I tend to apologize and brainstorm after I've cooled down.
On that note, have actually been actively coaching my 5 year to count to ten before she repeats my name, a request, or any thought in her head. She learning slowy. But on the other side of that, I'm also teaching myself to count ten before saying some thing harsh...We can be slow together.
Breath in. Breath out.
Yeah so, I guess I'm a grown up now.
The biggest prayer on my heart lately has been for eyes to see.
I have been thinking about parenting. How much pressure it is easy to fall under. Those lists still run deep in the back of our minds. It is so easy it is to feel like "this moment" is the be all end all. I don't think Parenting is just the moment at hand. I think it's the general current of your life with each child. It's about seeing the general stream of your relationship and being aware of which way things are flowing. You can always make changes. I'll end my analogy here; when you're stuck in a muddy still area it's time to find ways to push them back where the water runs deeper- that may require going over some bumpy spots- some rocks, if you will. But that's what cleans and refreshes the water!
I've been praying that I'd have eyes to see the muddy spots for what they are. That when some behavior is happening on either of our parts I'll have the wisdom to address it...Not in some high pressure moment. Not in a way that I might see some thing drastic happen. But in doing some thing towards movement (like the "count to 10!"). Changes are hard, bumpy rocks that clean things don't always feel good. It takes intention.
And some times? You're stuck in the murky spots for a while. If you are trying, I promise you won't rot there! Change some thing. That's been my intention lately. You can't do the same thing and expect to get a different result. Change some thing.
And that is what I share with you from the trenches of where I am. Just a Mom, seeing herself for what she is... covered in humble pie.