Friday, June 7, 2013

Opening the tool box- I lost my toes!

It has been an insane few months. I have had so little time (actually, I still don't have time! The PIp is still going strong and climbing Mt. Mama with great glee). I'm going on several terrible nights of sleep, and four hours of broken ugliness in the last 24 hours.

Add to it stresses of being a grown up, bills, car troubles, and a 3 year old (enough said)... Oh and then add to that health issues rearing their ugly head. Some of these were snowballed in thanks to sleep deprivation and stress. But also from a gluten exposure I just couldn't figure out. Gluten makes me ragey and anxious. Gluten makes my gut scream. Gluten makes me oh so sick. It also makes break out in itchy little blisters called dermatitis herpetiformis. Gluten sucks.

This is a rough time. 

I have felt so very stuck. Actually I've felt kind of buried in small children screaming in my ears. My stern expectations saying I need to do more. Children's behavior screaming I need to do more. Feeling pretty much like a burnt out grump of a Mama.

It's doggy paddle time, and no and if or buts about it. That humbling time where you truly realize that
the tips of your toes, how very much you don't know what you're doing. Some one snuck in and stole all your toes (seriously, sleep deprivation!) and you're standing there grasping, nothing.

Every generation wants to "do better" than the one before it. Going into parenthood I think most people have things they "will never do" like their parents did.  Or maybe they thought their parents did ALL the things right...Only to be met with the fact that they- like all of us- are in need of some  of healing.

There is a lot I could ramble about. But that's what it comes down to.

Some times we suck. Some times we really screw up. Some times we hear the words we swear we never would say. Or we curl up in a ball and don't engage. Some times we set really high ideals of who we thought we'd be- and are now faced with reality. Some times that reality sucks.

And that's where we forgive. We forgive our parents in a way we could never have done if we hadn't reached these ugly moments ourselves. And we forgive ourselves. Then we dust ourselves off, pat ourselves on the back and continue to make the changes towards improving things for the next generation, our children.

 And we pray that down the road, our children will see what we did for them...That all the humble apologies, baby steps, and good intentions were the best we could give them in the Hard Times. That the stolen moments towards more eye contact, peace, and intentional discipline were enough.

Because some day (hopefully) they will be parents- and they will keep taking steps towards more peace...And they will stumble, and fully forgive too.

1 comment:

  1. i love this post. raw, true...yep have been in that place. and trying to be the mom that doesn't keep living in what i'm doing wrong today but in what tomorrow holds:)